Love

God doesn't care how many Bible verses you memorize. He cares about your heart. He cares about how you treat people.

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At one point in my life, I was under the grips of a cult leader who shook at the pulpit, rolling

her eyes and mocked condescendingly, "I know, I know, to you it's all just about...

'love,

love,

love'"...

That scene is embedded in my brain! What she said, and how she said it, was a slap in the face as a Christian!!

"Anyone who claims to know all the answers doesn’t really know very much."

1 Cor 8:1-3

For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command:

"Jesus answered 'Love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your minds. This is the first and most important command. And the second command is like the first: Love your neighbor as you love yourself. All the law and the writings of the prophets depend on these two commands." -Matthew 22:37-40

The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and, yes, including the 4th Commandment, are summed up in this one command:

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Romans 13:9)

There is no commandment greater than these.

Knowledge and understanding of all of the tenets of scripture come second to what comes out of our hearts...the love of Christ to us and our love of Him.

As I recalled the cult leader's words, I reflected on my former life. If I were to be completely honest, on the surface, I whistled a happy tune to the beat of my beliefs that outwardly kept me saved and safe. Inside was actually a truth that was sinister and self-preserving.

"I just don't like anybody very much" was a mantra in my wonderful, Godfearing Christian family. This line in a Kingston Trio song, set to carefree whistling, was a fun tongue-in-cheek diddy, but it revealed the inner recesses of my heart.

My heart was poisoned and walled so high that this professed-but-elusive love was far from me.

Although outwardly touting love, to love really was professed only within the confines of protecting myself. I had been too wounded.

To love was dangerous. The enemy had so perverted the definition of love to mean, "If you really love God, you will do what He says." My love for God, and conversely His love for me, became about perfection, pride, and self-reliance. It became about how I must prove my love to Him to keep me from deception.

Of course, this wasn't sustainable. Yes, His love was in my heart but it only resided inside the high wall I had constructed around my heart. My peace was stolen. I was in chains.

This is how I started my high school years:

The box

One more time

The vision fades

I try to re-grasp love,

But I’m only betrayed.

But through the mist

I cannot grasp

An undying love,

That is sturdy and will last.

My soul seems to twist

To turn and to die.

My heart tries to trust,

But then it’s wrung dry.

My mind is a box

Secluded and closed.

My feelings deep inside,

Where nobody goes.

Sometimes at night

When I’m all alone,

I dream of a happiness,

That I’ve never known.

My mind starts to spin

And I reach for my pride

I re-grasp my emotions

Shove them deep down inside.

I search for a love

That’s patient and true

I reach for a trust,

That a wound won’t undo.

It seems it’s so close

Yet so far away

I see what I want,

But what I want I can’t say.

Just fill this box

And untwist my soul.

Help me through times

Beyond my control.

My days are numbered

And my life is wrong.

Help sort out my emotions;

Help me be strong!

The voice in my head told me I was crying out to God; in reality, I was searching for acceptance from those who had wounded me so deeply. I tried to believe in God's love for me, but "behind the veil" and in chains to fear, Jesus was someone to emulate, not someone to be a mess in front of. My bullies' words just proved my ineptness. God had simply made a mistake when He made me.

I tried so hard to "act like Christ," yet I was boiling with rage.

The hated

Watching across the playground, She sees her friends at play.

She wonders what is wrong with her, And why they act that way.

Words of hate surround her, She hides from their taunting eyes.

Fire spews forth and burns her soul, But no one hears her cries.

Blood boils beneath the surface, But never is revealed,

Her anger she feels guilty for, Her hate for them concealed.

The air she breathes are words of hate, Becoming a part of her.

Deceiving powers of hate she drinks, Until all her life’s a blur.

Hating herself for hating them, She puts her fire out.

She puts the gun up to her head...

Only now do they hear the tears in her shout.

The honest truth is, I didn't possess the acceptance of God's true love within me to even marginally extend forgiveness and grace to others, as God gives to me.

This is the power of self-reliance, the deception of works versus grace. This is life "behind the veil."

The desert flower

Alone on the plains of humanity, the desert flower stands.

Beautiful in the sight of God, anchored to the grainy sands.

The burning rays of humanity, scorch the petals of life.

Wounded by the weapon of words, cutting through flesh like a knife.

Doing nothing to others, yet standing alone, the air in anger she breathes.

Deceiving power of hate she drinks, until all the words she believes.

Defense and rage flow through her veins, but never is it revealed.

Shriveling by the rays of hate, until all her life is concealed.

Dying a death of anger and pain,

yet none of it was shown.

The desert flower, shriveled by words

and lived her life alone.

_____________________________

That was the truth of my heart. No matter my piousness. No matter my smile.

If only I accepted the most important points of the faith that I professed:

But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions, it is by grace you have been saved. Ephesians 2:4-5.

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear...The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because He first loved us. 1 John 4:16, 18, 19

If only I had read Ps. 139 over and over again (as I finally did in my 30s)! Perhaps writings like this would have sunk into my soul, and God's truth about the depth and breadth of His love would have caressed the deepest regions of pain hidden behind the smile on my face.

unlock the gate

Search for understanding Endless in every soul.

Pain of the past plays tricks on you – Eyes of one so many see

Yet who knows the treasure behind them?

Bars across the gates of your heart Sealed off with the sludge of pain

So carelessly left by them.

Many have tried to reach the gate

But the quicksand has sucked them off into oblivion.

Behind your eyes are pools Of treasure,

Yet flames of fire

Burn off intruders and thieves.

Someone must put out the fire – Build a bridge across the sand –

And you must finally allow them To wipe away the sludge from your Heart,

so you can see those Treasures in your soul.

Only you

Can unlock

the Gate.

Then, you will understand.

If only I recognized that God -- alone -- would do for me what I was placing on myself to do. I was in prison. I was in captivity.

If only I fully accepted that my strength lies in God, not in myself.

striving to understand

Sometimes I don’t understand why we love.

Maybe they're right…

if you let yourself get close, you just get hurt in the end.

But then again, if I agree, I’ll never be able to feel anymore...

like them.

I’ve been there before.

Everything hurts too bad. Love hurts.

Time hurts.

Age hurts.

Anger hurts.

Faith hurts.

Hate hurts.

Life hurts.

Every time we get hurt, we shelter and protect our hearts a little bit more.

Some people manage to let love in again and go on renewed.

But others put up walls, that pain was allowed to create.

They vow that they will never see pain or hurt again.

Soon they forget how to love at all.

Locked away tightly, friendships turn sour as they’re too busy adding blocks to their

wall-of-heart fortress.

Some may take a hammer and try to break it down, but most give up when they realize

the wall is

too thick.

Pretty soon, they realize there is nothing to their life;

only pain is wallpapered and painted inside their wall.

They want to reach out to someone, but they can’t. The wall is too high to see or reach over. They don’t know how to communicate and no longer know what friendship is.

There comes a time when we must allow God’s forgiveness for them

(as He has forgiven us).

This allows us to step foot over the wall

and face our fears and pain.

Learn to love again. And let the pain crumble

with the bricks of the wall.

(If only it were that easy!!!)

"Bury your burdens, break free from the fear. Step out of the shadows, there's no judgment here."

“God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7

Fear is a spirit, but one that God has not given us. Self-protection is a result of fear. Legalism is a result of the fear of never being good enough.

Self-reliance and self-protection are the same thing: sin.

Just knowing about God doesn't free us. Realizing His great love for me, accepting His full sacrifice for my sins, and living courageously to walk in freedom from the bondage of the walls around my heart, is what my life with Christ ... IN Christ ... now looks like.

God’s strength is made perfect in weakness. He delights in taking situations where human strength is lacking to demonstrate the greatness of His power.

Even on days that I'm not feeling it, He fills me with the courage to accept His forgiveness, love, and sacrifice ... so His goodness, grace, forgiveness, and love spills out of me

all over others.

We love because He first loved us.

Yes, it is ALL about...

"love,

love,

love!"